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Things You Shouldn’t Buy | Barneys Warehouse

February 4, 2013

You should be privy to the new Barneys Warehouse site that launched today that is pretty much summed up in the name. Barneys NY. Warehouse. Website. Boom. Of course there are great deals on the designers you want and of course being the frugal bastard you are, you aren’t into paying full price. Still strong, but don’t be fooled by inferior inventory. Keep in mind, even your favorite brands swing and miss every once in awhile. Here’s a few pieces to leave on the virtual sale rack.

Thom Browne Pant

TB

If I’m a betting man, my money’s on these pants being sleepwear. That being said, neither you nor I need $70 pants to wear to bed. You want to spend money on bedtime? Parlay that cash into a new set of sheets with 500 + thread count.

Rag & Bone Fedora

RB F

Look, I enjoyed A Clockwork Orange like everyone else, but even if you’re buying this piece of shit hat for next Halloween, I’m gonna tell you to hold. Justin Doss couldn’t even pull this off. Walk away.

Gant MB Sweater

Gant MB

Maybe it’s dude wearing a deep-V Shetland wool sweater with no undershirt but something about this just screams Structure circa ’98. Much respect to MB and to Gant but they should’ve left that wool on the sheep.

Rag & Bone Skinny Jean

RB E

Not to keep throwing the usually reliable R&B under the bus, but these highlighter blue “skinny” jeans now make me want to give away all my R&B attire. Who the fuck are these for? Seriously, is there a market for skintight, highlighter colored denim?

McNairy Camo Blucher

MM

I’m not the guy that says “never” to camouflage and even think that a few folks can successfully incorporate it into something like footwear but these are just straight up ugly. And at $219, N.O. Maybe… maybe $19. And even then, nah.

Yuketen Hunt Boots

Yuk

Speaking of ugly, fu-uck. Did Yuk get a blind gypsy to sew this shit together from leftover gypsy garbage? Is that fucking sweatshirt material on the upper? At $239? hahhahahaha…. hahahhahahahaa. You gotta be shitting me.

Nigel Cabourn Overpant

NC

Your boy Nigel has some egregious gear on Barneys Warehouse but these “overpants” might take the cake. Here’s what the item info should say… “Made for men who have difficulty with public masterbation, these overpants make it both extremely difficult to get to your cock and make beautiful women run in horror so you won’t be tempted.”

Incotex Pleated Trousers

Inc

Look, I have pleated front trousers. I even have pleated front trousers from Incotex but riddle me this, is this pair made for dude’s with big dicks or something? Maybe they’re part of some Incotex/Rick Owens collabo, cause those got some serious room down there. I feel kinda bad admitting it’d be hotdog down a hallway for me in those, but at least I’m honest.

Rag & Bone Dispatch Rider Coat

RB

What the hell could you actually “ride” in this damn thing? Barneys website also states, “Exclusively Ours!” as if they could get anyone else to carry this monstrosity in their storehouse. It’s like they took 3 ancient Barbour Bedale’s and Frankenstein’s Monstered them into this homeless vet classic. Get the fuck outta here at $579.

Belstaff Suede Shirt

Bel

Yeah bro… a suede snap shirt… made in Italy… for $559. No answers to this one, only questions. What happens when you sweat? How do you wash it? What occasion calls for a suede shirt? Is it formal or informal? Wouldn’t it lead to chafing? Could you wear a tie with it? Do I have to purchase special antiperspirant with it or is that included? Does it have a weird smell to it? Does anyone really own one of these shirts or is this some kind of joke that when you place the order, you get an e-mail confirmation of Barneys employees laughing at you?

- DJS

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12 Comments leave one →
  1. CJC permalink
    February 4, 2013 2:58 pm

    I actually cracked up and spit my coffee on my screen when I got to those Yuketen boots (“gypsy garbage”!) so thanks for that.

  2. Rbiggs52345 permalink
    February 4, 2013 3:33 pm

    I tracked down the coat for you: http://www.wellcomecollection.org/images/wtx052176.jpg

    • February 4, 2013 3:56 pm

      Now just need to find where to buy The Rocketeer mask and we’re all set to do a shitty re-make of a shitty movie.

  3. February 4, 2013 5:48 pm

    LMAO. PLEASE keep this kind of thing coming, brother. I could have had a total shit day and this would have saved it.

  4. February 4, 2013 11:19 pm

    “difficulty with public masturbation,” “Barneys employees laughing at you,” you are the king.

  5. Paul permalink
    February 5, 2013 1:32 pm

    Possibly my favorite post I’ve ever seen on your blog. Right up there with the one about the homeless Japanese indigo rags post (I know you got your ass handed to you for that one, but I still liked it). Seriously, #menswear needs to get called out more often for being ridiculous. Someone needs to devote an entire blog to it.

  6. abel F permalink
    February 5, 2013 1:40 pm

    can you please start a series of these, at least once a month.
    amazing

    • February 5, 2013 1:48 pm

      Seems to be a crowd pleaser… I’ll put it in the random rotation. Thanks for the kind words.

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