Things You Shouldn’t Buy from Mr. Porter
Look, I love Mr. Porter. In the wide world of online storehouses, they are invariably a one stop shop for any and all menswear related needs. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have to keep your wits about you when you peruse their virtual sale racks. Even your favorite brands swing and miss every once in awhile and at times some of those eyesores find their way on Mr. Porter. Here’s a few items to stay the hell away from.
If you’re looking for shoes to wear to wait tables at P.F. Changs, these will totally fit right in but maybe you can find some that are a little cheaper than 565$. I think DSW has some super similar by Kenneth Cole’s diffusion brand, Reaction.
Wanna look like you gained 30 lbs of pure fat? Great, it will only cost you 1495$ with this sweater that Mr. Porter claims is “stylish and functional.” You can’t see it well from this image but it also has zippers at the shoulders. That way you can unzip and get out of it quickly when you really need to masturbate, because there’s no way any other living being will please you sexually when wearing this monstrosity. I know what you’re thinking, “Does it come in white for my Michelin Man halloween costume?”
Easy play here with the banana hammock but Mr. Porter suggests that you should buy these to “maintain immaculate tan lines.” Even if you do have the fit body like the poor bastard forced to wear these for the photo shoot, I promise you that any other swim trunk on the Mr. Porter site will look better on you. And if you’re worried about your upper thigh tan lines, your parents failed you.
Sneakers? Good. Flower-print? Still good. Velcro monk strap moon boots? Uh, no thanks. Can you really envision meeting someone who is wearing these wild pieces of shit? Dude would have to have a vast collection of anime porn and a cat named Dr. Wiggles. Oh, and did I mention they cost 695$? If one pair of these sell, Raf Simons is some sort of criminal genius.
Been looking for an iPad sleeve to let everyone at Starbucks know you’re a pretentious jackass and also into S&M? Look no further.
Is Ed Hardy’s last name Amies and this his first try at a blazer? I mean, shit… why have all those odd graphics all over your jacket? It looks like a jacket the lead singer of Cold Play would love. That’s right, I don’t know what that dude from Cold Play’s name is and I’m not going to look it up to put into this post. I don’t have to know his name to know he’d be into this travesty.
Whoa, Abercrombie & Fitch blast from the past, circa 1998. I was able to sneak a whole 6-pack of Natural Light in a theater wearing those baggy ass shorts. Now that’s what cargo pockets are for, son! Actually it’s not really a great memory, as the movie was Fight Club, a pretty damn confusing film to figure out 6 beers in and having to get up to go to the bathroom 4 separate times. Once you break the seal…
Mr. Porter claims, “Nothing gives off confident attitude quite like a pair of black leather trousers,” but need I remind you of the Friends episode with Ross and the leather pants? Wouldn’t the crotch and ass sweat make these literally impossible to wear, even in winter? Honestly, I’ve never even tried on a pair of leather pants but if anyone out there reading this has a pair, please drop a comment on how the hell you could do anything in a pair other than be a member of Mötley Crüe.
I got nothing against this bracelet other than it costing 675$. I mean, it looks like your sister’s neon hair-tie. Think about what would go through the mind of someone considering purchasing this bracelet. Even if you literally had a billion dollars, wouldn’t you still look at this and still say, “Nah, too expensive for that shit.”