Fatherhood | Assemblage
Look who’s back my dudes. Cut your boy a little slack on being a bit MIA on AHD here of late, as I’m holding down the fort with a new little dude at home and being a dad twice over took me offline for a minute. But don’t stress as I’m back on the job for you, ready to keep yammering about shirts, shoes and shit.
Dealing with a 2-year-old and an 12-week-old has me feeling more and more empathy for all you big homies out there getting breast milk puked all over your floral print popovers. Here of late I’ve been less on menswear and more about fatherfashion. With that in mind, here’s an Assemblage to help any and every father out there dominate dadsville. Click out on the titles for further details and purchase info.
Look, you’re gonna need a shit ton of t-shirts. No matter how many burp cloths you drape around you, the spit-up somehow finds its way on your shirt. Every time. Literally happened to me this morning. But don’t stress about it big homie. Just procure yourself, say, 50 of these Unis t’s and all will be irie.
My man, your mind and computer screen might be locked on Pitti but your ass is on the couch. The only photos anyone is taking of you is when part of your shoulder gets in the frame of your little dude’s lumpy face. You don’t need another cerulean blazer, you need another pair of comfortable sweats. These “un-sweatpants” from J.Crew just might trick your partner into thinking you actually put some real pants on for a change. HA! JOKES ON HER, YOU’RE STILL A LAZY PIECE OF SHIT!
Sleep is now minimum. Set what little shut-eye you have up for success with some buttery soft PJ action from J.Press.
I mean, dropping $3700.00 on a luxxy lux Visvim jacket right after having a kid is most likely a pretty bad idea. But fuck it. The college fund can wait. Splurge on you.
You’re a father now, which means you should dignify your drinking by moving from a $25+/bottle to $50+/bottle. Angel’s Envy is a good place to start. Drink it after your lady makes you sleep on the couch after buying that expensive ass jacket. HA! JOKE’S STILL ON HER, AIN’T NO SLEEP IN THE BEDROOM WITH THE LITTLE TYKE IN THERE! SLEEPING ON THE COUCH RULES!
World Cup and Wimbledon aside, you’re gonna need something to do on all those days bouncing your kid around or late nights when nobody’s sleeping. I mean, you can’t always be on blogs reading about clothes. For my money there’s nothing like a good book to ease the weary mind and soothe the sleepless soul. I’m currently reading this collection of novellas from my favorite author, Jim Harrison (who I actually named my son, Harrison, after).
Kids smell terrible. Equip your home with these Magnolia candles from Izola, which are quite pleasant.
Kids smelling terrible = You smell terrible. I’m into the new Terre d’Hermès Eau Très Fraîche, which has a nice balance of citrus and cedar notes. You know what it doesn’t smell like? Dirty diapers. I win.
Unless you make some sick effort in the food prep department you’ll be living on pizza and Sunchips. When you’re half asleep and have no time you’re gonna be tempted to eat anything and everything and after a couple of months those sweats will be the only pants that still fit. Save yourself with sous vide. For those of you who are not wannabe chefs, sous vide (French for under vacuum) is a cooking method that uses precise temperature control to cook sealed food in a water bath heated at low range temperatures. This results in more control for the cook to create an even doneness and the ability to replicate recipes with detailed precision and ease. Fool proof food that you don’t have to stand over a skillet for. I use this affordable option from Sansaire constantly. Do it for your clothing.
White noise in black. Get him to sleep and keep him asleep. You’re welcome.
It’s inevitable that you’re gonna need to leave the house and take the kid(s) with you. Don’t make the rookie mistake like your’s truly and end up looking like a lummox carrying your lady’s pink striped diaper bag from Kate Spade. The shit on the inside might be for the baby but the bag is for you. Now I’m not big on backpacks but J.W. Hulme’s Continental version frees up both your hands and keeps you from looking like a middle schooler.
Every once and awhile you’re gonna need to get the hell outta the house. And when you do finally do step out the door and into the light or out for the night, do so with some class. This linen Victorian Ivy Print one from Hill-Side will do the trick nicely.
Being a dad is the greatest experience a man can have… but you don’t want to do this shit again. *Editors Note: All gentlemen may not fit into Magum brand condoms. Ask your local pharmacist for fit assistance.