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The Anti-Gift Guide

December 6, 2015

With all the gift guides galore, here’s a roundup featuring a few of my favorite things to avoid this holiday season (with extra asinine commentary and product descriptions for your reading displeasure). Personally, I like to think my favorite stores carry this kind of hot garbage just to make me laugh a little when perusing their sites. Click out on product titles for more details if you dare.

Undercover | Velvet Trimmed Coat

I imagine the only person that would buy this velvet collared monstrosity would be doing so to sing “Joy to the World” while flashing folks on the subway. Sadly, the frayed cuffs give the illusion someone has actually been wearing the shit out of the futuristic trash cloak. And what the fuck is going on with that strange ass aluminum looking pocket? Even a freezing homeless man would second guess himself for wearing this in a blizzard.

Kaptain Sunshine | Goat Skin Wallet

Firstly, fuck you for labeling the tabs and telling me which pockets to put shit in. Secondly, who the fuck would want to carry their change around in a coin purse? Third, who the fuck would want to carry an oddly shaped grandma change purse other than an actual grandma? Actually, I take it all back. Buy this for your blind ass grandma so she knows which pocket has what in it.

Han Kjobenhavn | Split Yellow Glove

BAHAHAHAHAHA! So, so bad. I really wish I would see someone actually wearing these Vulcan “give her the double shocker” gloves out in real life. Maybe Han’s just trying to tell us to go for two in the poon, two in the moon, fellas. Live long and prosper motherfuckers.

Grei | Panel Poncho

Note: If you buy this for your dad he’s gonna wear it as a sex costume to dress up like spaghetti western Clint Eastwood before he puts it in your stepmom.

Nike | KD 8

Apparently this shit shoe is “the latest edition to the KD 8 offering recognizes a stage in Kevin Durant’s life, a step on the way to his NBA superstardom. Taking its inspiration from Prince George’s County, Maryland – the location of Durant’s hometown Seat Pleasant.” That place must literally be hell. My product description would only read: “It’s what would happen if you let a blind man design a pair of NikeiD Customs.”

DSQUARED2 | Cool Evening Haircalf Biker Jacket

It’s ironic that this jacket costs $6470.00, as that’s exactly how much you’d have to pay me to wear it out in public for one hour.

Swissco | Natural Bristle Toothbrush

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Seriously, guys, can we let the whole hipster/woodsman thing die and just brush our teeth with normal toothbrushes? You’d probably hurt your teeth more than help them by rubbing this popsicle stick with “natural bristles” all over your gums. And what the fuck are “natural bristles” made from, some kind of boar hair or some shit? Awful, just awful that this even exists.

Ten c | Down Liner Jacket

Raise your hand if you want to wear a wrinkly black garbage bag that doesn’t zip up to try and keep warm… anyone… any takers… no?

Our Legacy | Shearling Hat

Did Our Legacy even sell one of these? Seriously, who would choose to wear this outside of Oymyakon, Russia (aka, the coldest inhabited place on the planet)? Unless you’re one of those poor bastards, just let your heads stay cold, comrades.

Anatomica | Flannel Weekend Shirt

Could you ever really wear this weird ass shirt and feel ok that it was the shirt you picked off the rack that morning? Even if someone got it for you as a gift and you decided to try and wear it out just one time, wouldn’t you just feel like everyone who looked at you would instantly hate you and secretly be saying shit to their friends like, “Hey, check out Shirty Shirterson over there. Bet he’s got a ragdoll cat named Shakespeare and is working on a screenplay about how fish have feelings called, Hear Me Swim.”

Broken Homme x Dickies Construct | Oxford

Unless you’re dressing up as Frankenstein’s Monster for the holidays, pass. I’ll bet these were designed after the corrective shoes Forrest Gump breaks out of after Jenny screams, “Run Forrest, Run!”

Ksubi | Overalls

I hope that whosoever buys these gets the buckles stuck fastened when they really, really have to take a shit.

Vans | SK8 Mid Moc

December 2, 2015

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If you’re looking for some faux Visvim FBT action, these Vans just might foot the bill. Certainly the FBT’s are original as it gets and have set the standard for the oddly and elaborately designed moccasin market but I can’t fault anyone for not wanting to drop $715+ on a pair when you can jump on these Vans for a cool $115. Parlay that $600 into your defaulted student loans and you can ever so slightly feel like an adult when your mom asks you about the “plans for your debt” when you go home for the holidays.

Head over to Need Supply for more info (and if you’re just gonna let those loans stay in default and are looking for the real thing, they’ve got Visvim too).

 

East Dane | Holiday Sale

November 24, 2015

East Dane’s Holiday Sale is up and running between November 24th through the 30th with the code “GOBIG15” at checkout with 15% off $250+, 20% off $500+ or 25% off $1000+ (sale specifics here). Whether you’re looking to grab gifts without fighting the Black Friday throng or shop for yourself, few online storehouses boast East Dane’s wide ranging inventory. Take a look at a few of my favorite pieces in the Assemblage below and click out on the titles for further details and purchase info.

J.W. Hulme

Gitman Vintage

Baldwin Denim

Ovadia & Sons

Billy Reid

Sleepy Jones

Apolis

3×1

Thanksgiving Pants | Assemblage

November 20, 2015

You and I both know what’s gonna happen on Thanksgiving. We’ll put on a pair of jeans or chinos to try to look respectable but all that will happen is regret. First, that we wore pants that had no flex. Secondly, that we went back for thirds. Tertiary, that we tried to make room for dessert. Finally, that we gourmandized to the point of pain. Well my dudes, don’t make the same mistake this year and cop yourself some Thanksgiving pants that will make way for your gluttony. Give a look to the 10 pairs in the Assemblage below and click out on the titles below for price and purchase info.

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Vince

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Yeezy

1

Shades of Grey

1

Rulezpeeps

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Helmut Lang

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Ovadia +

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Reigning Champ

1

Grayers

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Rag & Bone

1

The Hill-Side | All-Weather High Top Sneakers

November 17, 2015

Having existential dread of abandoning your sneakers for boots as you slosh through the streets embracing the cold absurdity of the northern hemisphere of Earth’s axis being oriented away from the Sun? The Hill-Side’s All-Weather High Tops can now keep you emotionally comfortable in sneakers well into the winter.

Sewn and assembled by hand in Japan from English cotton that is woven densely to repel water with a natural rubber outsole, extra-rugged toe cap, toe guard, raised heel, terry cloth lining and painted brass eyelets.

Price and purchase info at The Hill-Side.

Kapital | Noraxkaya Boro 1st Jacket

November 16, 2015

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Kapital always throws the boro heat when it comes to deconstructed and distressed fabrics that keep that wealthy homeless vibe on key but this Noraxkaya Boro 1st Jacket ratchets shit up another 8 levels. Your vagrant grandeur will be so loud that the uninitiated will put a 5-spot in your coffee cup while those in the know will bow to you like a Sensei.

More details at Unionmade.

Native Shoes | Apollo Moc

November 12, 2015

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These Native Apollo Mocs are an insanely affordable option if you’re out there looking for a futuristic sneaker moccasin. You very well might be on the fence about dropping your coin on a pair of futuristic sneaker moccasins, and I get it. But you can now feel free to waste $75 on giving a pair a try. If it’s an epic fail, you could cut $75 from your budget pretty easily. Just don’t sacrifice by buying cheap toilet paper. Your ass health is just as important as your feet fashion.

More details at Need Supply.

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